(From my diary: Never titled and apparently I was 21)

 

ATTN: This poem from one of my journals contains references to a domestic violence situation. I hope that those who read this realize that abuse from either side (man or woman) is WRONG

& in the same respect NEVER let someone use you as a punching bag. LEAVE the first time. This poem is not meant to glorify violent relationships.

 

 

 

 

I try to avoid confrontation but lately I get a strange feeling that very soon HE will happen to run into my fist

and I know that sounds crazy but every time his hands gave my lips a kiss I would clench

ready to defend myself but choosing to suppress the hatred I had within I feared the unknown, could it really get any worse than this?

but after a while fear turns into drive and when tears run dry and your done being weak

you remind him of what it feels like to succumb to defeat

 now the good times are rolling lesser than few

& before I knew it my hand stretched out like his tended to 

the blood from the blow spilled out & coated my hand like his tongue once coated my spine

his mouth clinched as if the impact forced him to bite his own lips that are filled with lies

I saw tears in his eyes but showed no sympathy because at that moment I enjoyed finally seeing some emotion from a man that seemed so empty 

Surprised by his reaction because he thought I would've ran but I kneeled down & stretched both arms out so he could grab the last bit of love left in my hands 

the same hands that held him, cooked for him, cleaned, & would stroke his back through cold & rain but my gentle hands never got his attention on those days...

I didn't know that at 21 I'd still be playing these childish games 

Break up to make up to break up again pretend not to like each other & bring love taps back in, if he thought I wouldn't play along I guess he know now...

Punks jump up, to get knocked down. 

      (Excuse my gangsta ending LOL.) 

Something I wrote that I thought I lost...

Can we just lay?

lay here speechless so quiet that our own 2 heart beats seem loud as thunder

hold each other like a mother holds her wounded child and if a tear drops ask no questions just kiss it away and stroke my burdened shoulders with your strong hands. Hands that embrace so tight that not even water could slip through the cracks of your fingertips. Silent, lets meditate allowing our spirits to rise exchanging messages of clarity words mean nothing to me, what's said will never matter as much as what you do, so silence yourself while you lay here next to me, let the confusion fade like incense burning. Let the rhythm sooth us as the records turning... Can we just lay? 777- B.Ross

Thank You Mrs. Carter!

Recently I watched the HBO movie special on Beyonce "Life is But A Dream". The reason I follow Beyonce's career is because she stands out to me as not only one of the greatest performers of all time but because she is a respectable role model and does things with such class. As I prepare to ground myself in this womanhood I've approached I look to Beyonce for inspiration. There is a mystery behind her, her previous selectivity on responding to rumors is the perfect example of being disciplined enough to know when it is appropriate to speak. Many of us are sucked into social networking and are known for saying whatever, whenever we feel like it. We create an image of us with every tweet, post, and picture good or bad. After Beyonce's special I gained more respect for her and understood the importance of the mystery (privacy) she has created. When you create a level of privacy and go against the social networking world that consumes so many minutes of our day we open a window for those who really want to KNOW us all while creating an open ear for what we do need people to know. I'm taking a hiatus from social networks and getting back into sending out real messages  about important things like love, nature, empowerment, and inner beauty. When I reveal so much of myself on a daily basis it lessens the value of my words... because not every thought needs to be written and not every thing I do in the course of a day needs to be discussed. I'm growing, I'm changing, and I'm appreciative of role models like my sisters and BEYONCE who inspire me to speak less and DO more. The way Mrs. Carter documented her everyday life so SHE didn't forget a thing has moved me to do the same. One day I want to share my story with people and  introduce who I am and why I'm here... Below is one of my fav clips from Beyonce's special it's not about perfection it's about being human,working, living, loving, losing,  it's about being the example and being patient enough to wait until you fully develop to tell it ALL together I hope you get a chance to watch the full thing. It is beautiful:

Sink Or Swim?

As time moves forward and our eyes become wide to the life that is spinning around us we become submerged in the water of our own destiny.  Some of us lead a life of treading the waters, slowly moving through shallow areas where we can still see our feet beneath us. We watch our own steps and look down for the security of knowing you'll be able to rise above.Treaders are  Rationalist. Other people float through life, comfortable in one spot, allowing the waves of emotion and change to push you in any direction, an optimist. Although floating seems carefree and peaceful there are moments when you feel you've been pushed too far and because you've been floating for so long you panic. Panic is what causes us to decide whether we are going to sink or SWIM. Some people know how to swim, they've been taught, and learned so well that when panic occurs they are prepared while others know how to swim because of fear. In a literal sense I learned to swim from floating...I was an optimist with an arm float! When I was a child I took swimming lessons and was not able to learn. I was scared that my instructors wouldn't be able to save me, afraid that I would end up in water that is too deep. Then, one summer I was on family vacation (still a child) and I started treading, I trusted myself to stay in one place that was comfortable for me and while having my security wrapped around me as a guard (my arm float)  I dove into the water and began to swim under. Like a bee whose body is too big it should not be unable to fly I was a child who shouldn't have been able to swim but because I didn't KNOW that my arm float had come off I swam into the deepest of water by myself. Now as an adult I see that there are many things I was unaware I had the ability to do. When we SWIM through life we move toward something that is deeper. We take a chance by letting our feet up from beneath us and depend on our strength and will to get us to the point where we want to be.  Don't drown yourself in doubt by what you fear, or choose to tread in the same spot that gets you nowhere. Never become too comfortable being a "floater" either, because sooner or later it all comes down to TWO options. You must decide if you're going to SINK OR SWIM?

UNSCRIPTED

Not huge on explanations as to why I neglect my blog, but I'm back... with things to say :)

 In life we don't get the chance to hit pause, rewind and watch ourselves fuck up...we just keep playing and playing until we decide or we are forced to change roles; sometimes we throw out our entire script and start over. I'm a writer and sometimes an actress. I will live and write about it and live again and write about it, and each story, poem,"note -to- self" that I write is a confession, almost as if I am repenting to the universe and God for "test shooting" before the director (GOD) yells action! I have become addicted to acting (living) and I feel like there is an art to living. It all began with realizing that I don't HAVE to do anything. When we wake up we have the option to ACT anyway we choose fit, our wardrobe are our costumes and the earth is our set. Most of us act out every detail of our life according to what has already been written and scripted for us to do. We have a work schedule that someone has made for us, we have a HIGHER POWER that someone has told us to pray to, we have foods that people say we should and should not eat, we love who people tell us to love BUT we forget that we do have an option.Realizing that I had an option then realizing that some of those options are so well manipulated to keep up trapped in a uniform state of living is what brings me to war... sometimes with myself and sometimes with others. God has created us all to use the power of discernment to unlock the key to the script that he so well designed for us to star in. (LET ME TAKE A QUICK MOMENT TO SAY THAT THE ONLY THING REAL, UNSCRIPTED IN LIFE IS GOD...FOR REASONS THAT NO MAN HAS A VALID ARGUMENT TO DISPUTE OTHERWISE. WHETHER U THINK GOD IS THE SUN, SANTA, OR A BOOK, YOU KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING GREATER THAN US... HE IS THE DIRECTOR) Most of the people who realize this option we have to act freely use it to do evil, they rape, steal, shoot, and seek havoc over others who are actors in a play that they don't even realize they are co-starring in & this is what saddens me. For me, once I realized the option God had revealed to me I wanted to live according to his word in MY life, a positive being someone who encourages LOVE, peace, and open mindedness. My new found love for living so freely and lovingly has brought me to a point of vulnerability and fickleness but because I know each person may be trying to figure out the art of living themselves I promised me that I would be a person that never makes anyone feel like they are bound to be what I see them as being or anything other than the standard of simply being GREAT... I've done a lot of loving and living and questioning lately and in my journey of living I've realized that I have simply been preparing myself for the role God has set for me (which is unknown as of today). I thought at 22 that I knew myself and funny how at 23 I am still a growing woman NOT a grown woman... I have played many roles, the student, the teacher, the good girl, the freak, and all of them have been ME...  they have been me trying to balance being ALL I can be in one lifetime...and my only peace is that within every role I play I am neither the villain or the hero I am that character that is FAIR and just and sometimes gullible  but the point I have learned thus far is the me RIGHT NOW is playing the role of a solider who is mentally an physically preparing for war because as the world discovers their options and finds a way to live unscripted some will use it for good and some won't  and I want to encourage you ALL to start rehearsing (preparing for your role) because we need strong godly persons who will unselfishly play their part... I no longer believe that religion, homosexuality, race, or whatever MAN has scripted to divide us is the issue. The issue is US trying to remember the "lines" that those before us wrote out ....unlearn it all and FEEL your way through life 'Blessed is the man who has not yet seen but still believes' WE MUST LIVE FOR US NOW.... "ACTION"!

Ask God to center you/ meditate
Share your thoughts
Listen to others
Love
Be about  positive ACTION

*Continues to live*

Pray for THEM.

As we lay in bed praying for peace of mind some lay across dead bodies simply praying for peace pleading with enemies to spare the life of their children they point the gun to themselves, " Neem my!!" they scream 'take me!' and as they cry in agony they feel the bodies of their children collapse in their arms, heads blown off, eyes fallen to their cheeks and bones disfigured and barely assembled to their body -- They live in hell on earth, no starvation or unemployment amounts to this hell, this darkness is far to black to ever see light, gorilla warfare assassins hidden behind homes at night and every sound wakes them, every footstep is a gut wrenching noise they are restless while we toss and turn because we are thinking of how we will pay our bills tomorrow they wish tomorrow never comes ... Tonight pray for them. Pray for them tonight.

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"My conversation with (G)od" ... this is a poem by Me.

They say a drunk man says what a sober man thinks... Well I'm somewhere in-between, stomach aching from last nights tequila & lime looking through my drunk text messages, 1am, where u at ? ... 3:15, come get me! ... 5am pleading with him to F me one last time, last time was my last time I tell myself but I'm lying again, pissed off because I'm tired of being only a friend, I let this start but don't know how to make it end coz everytime he text back I'm smiling again... the devil isn't right but he makes a good friend--- see that's where my thoughts are at right now, hungover, barely sober but I can't tell if what I'm thinking is real just like when someone kisses me I can't tell how they feel...and I'm not even loving myself anymore, convinced I don't need love coz every man is a whore, I'm mad as hell that my mind could think such thoughts so I work hard as hell so my liquor can be brought and chase my pain with champagne, then get f'd up and scream "I'll never do this shit again!!!!" ... til I sober up enough to forget how sick I was and next week I'm celebrating at the bar just because... This cycle is becoming bigger than ME... I'm f'd up and I know it G

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